Anger

I listen to a woman who's ex-husband/ex-business partner leaves her with all of the bills, takes their money and puts it in his girlfriends account. Then he files personal bankrupcy and she is left with debt so large she couldn't dig her way out in her lifetime. What is she to do now?

Dread

I watch as a woman, so distraught by a man's continuing and constant need to control, she considers leaving her children. If the courts grant his wish of shared custody with this woman, every decision she ever makes in the future for her children will be met with resistance. Her belief is that without his need to control her between them, her children will not be used as weapons, thus spared. I cannot imagine what she must be going through right now. My prayers reside with her constantly now, and until fate is decided in a courtroom very soon.

Pain

I met a man who broke the hearts of two mothers by taking their children. The first mother's heart was broken when she lost her daughter. He took her away, married her, and made her promise that her parents would not influence her by quoting, "and two shall become one flesh."

Twenty years later he tore the heart from the other when he took her four children. He convinced the children that she, the mother of his children, had become evil, didn't care for them, and guilted them into not seeing her.

How can this man live with himself? How does as he justify his actions?

Energized

Spring has brought with it a very different me. It has been a very long time since I haven't had panic attacks while trying to pay bills, wondering how I am going to pay the exorbitant child support and still feed my children. No longer do I ask myself, will the food bank have to help me out this month? Will my kids have warm clothes for school today? Will my vehicle break down and I will be forced to not pay the heat or water for one month to fix it?

I still have bills, and lots of them, thanks to the credit I have had to lean on to make ends meet over the last six years. However, my new job has finally provided me with enough income to actually pay my bills in full and on time. More importantly, I no longer have to feel beholdin' to those who have helped out for so long. It is incredibly tough to ask for help over and over again, or wonder if I will ever again see the black side of my line of credit. Don't get me wrong, it will take years to dig out of the red, but now I am finally able to do that, a bit at a time.

What I didn't expect in getting to this point, is the surge in self confidence this gave me. For the first time in a very, very long time I feel truly calm. Yes things will crop up unexpectedly that I will have to deal with. But now I can actually meet those challenges myself, rather than lean on others to help me through it.

I am also able to sleep at night, with the exception of the nightmares of course, and not lay awake trying to figure out how to make ends meet with this, or the next, or the next paycheck. I can sleep in without a panic attack waking me up when I suddenly realize I have forgotten to pay something or someone. Sleep is delicious!

I hope this spring finds you energized!

Energy

Mel lamented to me this week, "I wish I had your energy, your vitality, your thirst for life. You are infectious, your exude energy to others, they are drawn to you because of it." I was left speechless as I watched her sigh, then slowly sip her coffee. I stumbled over my words as I started to dispute her claim and she looked at me with humour in her eyes, "Don't argue with me, you know it's true."

We sat in silence, we often did that. This silence was a comfortable place close friends can give you where you know you are not judged. I thought about her claim as I slowly drank my tea. I knew I had a more than average energy level, but not the nervous energy often thought of. I'm sure I would have been labelled ADHD in elementary school even. But it was because I was usually a few steps ahead of what we were currently learning, or simply was not interested.

I laughed to myself suddenly, wondering about the many friends I now had. This was painful cry away from when I was younger and so painfully shy I couldn't hold together a full sentence when speaking to anyone outside of my family. Mel looked up and I simply nodded in agreement, she was right.

Since then I have wondered why I have this energy level, this enthusiasm. I have felt stifled for a while, feeling my energy levels running a bit lower than normal. This evening I was sitting in the hot tub contemplating ancient native beliefs surrounding the energy in everything, animals, plants, even rocks and mountains. Everyone knows I need to go and recharge regularly. The best is by a fast river, preferably a fresh mountain river, especially with a waterfall. Mountains come next and around horses comes a close third.

The jets suddenly turned on and I turned them off quickly. I like to sit in silence when I want to think. As they slowed I felt the energy of the water rushing past me, the bubbles surrounding me. It was exhilarating and too quickly gone. I suddenly had an irresistible urge to stand by the waterfall Randall and I had found one beautiful May weekend. My body ached to feel the power it had given me. I have needed this for a while and have tried to coax those around me to join me in going to those places that charge me. The mountains, downhill skiing or a frozen lake on skates. All have excuses and I now wonder why I feel the need to bring others. I am going to go alone.

Politics and Debt

I rarely blog on political issues outside of the birth world. Unfortunately, politics do play a part in all of our lives and as much as I love living in Canada, the politics that play out in our southern neighbour very much effect us. I have been watching, with tense regard, the debit crisis the US has gotten itself into.

If the US government were a family, they would have had to face their debt crisis long before now and in doing so, forcing them to make smarter decisions. If the US government were a family, they would be making $58,000 a year, spend $75,000 a year, & have $327,000 in credit card debt. They are currently proposing BIG spending cuts to reduce their spending to $72,000 a year.

What are they not doing? Increasing their income. What do rank and file humans do when we are in such a situation? We get a second job, we find a better job, we work on the side, we do what we have to. We don't ignore the fact that we have to increase our income because we don't want to alienate the fat wallets who could handle more taxes. The US is climbing out of a major recession, everyone needs to pull together to make this work.

Normal citizens also don't get a reprieve from our bank for an additional 15%, au contraire. Banks only think of themselves first, at least the banks who us mere mortals deal with. In the end, this does far more harm than good by allowing the government to avoid facing the truth. In short, they HAVE to do a lot to improve their situation.

What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. Four years from now, without Ralph Klein-like cuts and a true increase in income starting now, they will be so far up the river without a paddle their insane delusions will drown them. Who will they take with them? Canada and Mexico.

Delicious Dreams

I have loved dreams since I was young. They allow me to explore my psyche and go places I normally would not go. As a teen I had one reoccurring nightmare I couldn't shake. I worked hard to remember my dreams upon waking and that ability has stayed with me. I also learned how to know I was in a dream, if I chose, and how to fall back into a dream at will to change the course or just continue on with that experience. I was able to find out what that nightmare meant and in time it no longer occupied dream space in my slumber. Some of my dreams are wonderful and delicious while others can be painful and even downright terrifying. It's amazing what you learn about yourself by walking through your dreams!

The dream I had is one that has been reoccurring since my ex took away my two oldest sons. I've rarely spend time with them since. I miss them so badly I cry almost every day, but it doesn't change the fact that they no longer live with me. In these dreams, we are living together again, my four children and myself. Sometimes we live with other people who are in our lives, sometimes not. We live in the top of an eight floor condominium project in Hawaii somewhere. Our expansive balcony (wrapping around two sides of our condo) overlooks a large pool on one side with a view of the ocean and the other side looks over the city where we live. I have no idea what city that is, a moot point really. I know the layout of the condo and grounds very well from having lived there in my dreams so long.

In my dream last night we moved down to the third floor condo, what a pain that was. I hate moving and it wasn't fun in our dream either. Our new place had the same layout as our first. It is just closer to the pool and far less windy than the top floor. Actually, that was our main reason for moving, combined with the fact that a family had offered to purchase our condo for more than we had paid, and the lower unit had just come up and was newly renovated. Our Bree's loved our new space and set about making it ours posthaste. Brian and the boys all focused on electrical equipment of course. While they were working on that, Eric and I took a break and had gone up to meet our new neighbours. They were a fantastic couple with two girls we met and a third who wasn't there. We were introducing the girls to other kids in our condo complex when the alarm woke me for work.

I laid in bed for a few minutes letting the experience was over me, how fun it is to spend time as a family again, even if in my dreams.